The Bitter Winters of Canada

Weather News:  Yeah, it’s snowing in Toronto.  It’s October 31st, Halloween for the kids and it’s snowing in Toronto.  That means, it’s really damn cold and the kids are going to have to ruin their costumes by putting on a winter coat, gloves and a hat and struggle with their parents.  Talk about ruining the spirit of Halloween.  Did you ever see a ghost that has to wear a winter coat and gloves?  No, of course not!  A ghost is dead after all and they don’t need to keep warm.

I kept hoping since mid September that it would somehow warm up again.  Talk about being an eternal optimist.  It never really warmed up and here we have snow on October 31st.

I’ve got to admit, I’m of a small minority that doesn’t mind the concept of global warming.  Global warming to me means palm trees and tropical fauna in the winter.  Shorts and t shirts as our native dress.  Our lakeside beaches will become more “tropical.” You will be able to get a real suntan and not have to frequent tanning parlors and pay for the sun.  Think Vitamin D.  We won’t have to book winter getaways.  It’ll be mildly pleasant in December instead of the ferocious cold of bitter freezing temperatures:  snow, slush, scraping the crap off the car windows and all that stupid stuff  that comes with a Canadian winter.

I no longer find snow “pretty” or interesting.  There were only two reasons I ever liked a snowy cold winter in Canada.  When I was a kid, I was overly concerned about Santa’s sleigh making it on Christmas eve.  I figured if there was no snow, his sleigh just wouldn’t make it to my house.  Well, now I’ve ended my belief in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, I don’t have those concerns anymore.  They’re irrelevant.

Then I wished for snow when I was grown up so I could go downhill skiing.  A couple of ski accidents ki-boshed that idea.  My knees have been punished.  I can’t ski anymore, I sold my skis and ski boots and I no longer have a use for snow or winter.

Throughout the years, each winter, like millions of other Canadians, I have planned my great winter getaway.  Down south is where we all go, to bask in the glorious sun on the white sand beaches, dip our toes and whole bodies in the warm Caribbean sea, rest under the palm trees, frolic in the resort hotel pools and enjoy the warmth and the sun.  We’re happy then.  Our seasonal affective disorder temporarily diminishes.

Like I said, I don’t mind if we get that global warming scenario that the experts are always warning us about.  I haven’t done anything to cause it because my carbon footprint has always been so small.  But, the older I get, the more I hate winter.  Each November as the skies turn grayer, the leaves fall off the trees and everything takes on that shit brown and gray look, I don’t no how I’ll make it through another winter.  Brrrr….

I can’t understand what made the English and French settlers battled over this god-forsaken country with its brutal and overly nasty winters.  What was wrong with them?  Did they not like the beautiful countries they came from -  ones with more humane winter seasons and early flowers in the Spring?  An oddity of history, no doubt.  Inexplicable by the historians that followed.

So, it’s snowing today, October 31st in Toronto and I’m praying for global warming to finally take hold  of this bitter winter northern land and life will be more pleasant for all of us without the brutal winters of Canada.  For now, I’ll be planning my next winter escape to one of those lovely warm countries anywhere south of here.  I’m hoping the experts are right and global warming is coming soon.